Legal One-Liners

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.


How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.


How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...


How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.


What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.


What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.


What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.


What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea.


What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners; An anvil.


What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.


What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.


Why did God create snakes just before lawyers? To practice.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.


What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner? The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.


What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a pimp? still thinking...


What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue


How can you tell when your lawyer is lying? His lips move.


How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.


How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.


Jury: a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.


How many in house corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Who knows, first they have to hire outside corporate attorneys to tell them.


How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?


How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one divorce attorney to change your light bulb to his light bulb.


How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Three -- one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.


A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its annual convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every half hour.


Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and urinating in cokes?"


A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."


A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman.
"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled,"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"